Requiem For The Past
I'm writing this post without any thought to either proper or perfect literacy. At this point it is of no importance to me if puncuation is properly placed. Thoughts ordered precisely, concisely or conceptually has no room at this time. What is to follow is simply born out of the need to take something intangible from within to the tangibility of the written word.
You see, I'm one of those few people who believe that words are real. Words have a life of their own. To me they live, they breathe, they have power untold and untapped. Words can bring life or death. They will build up or tear down. They are a force that once spoken cannot be taken back. We may try to alter the meaning of them by explanation. But in the end what is said is said. That's as black and white, as absolute, as one can get in this world.
So, that being said I invite you to come with me as I attempt to purge myself of the past. To finally lay to rest what was, what never became and what never will be. And who knows. Maybe even some absolution.
Several days ago my phone rang at what I thought was an unusual time. Picking it up I heard a voice I couldn't recognize and thought I had been caught by the infamous telemarketer. The voice sounded unsure of itself and uncertain if it was speaking to the right person. I was just about ready to hang up when I finally asked who it was and who where they trying to reach. When the name was given I was left speachless. Here was a voice from my past. Twenty-five years of past at that. Here was a man I had dated for all of seven months. Here was the man I had an affair with. And, yes, he was married.
When we first met he was nervous and unsure of himself. He seemed to always be apologizing. But as time passed and we grew closer he relaxed and became more sure of who he was. He was affectionate and caring. With him I felt safe and protected. We were alike enough to be different and yet different enough to be alike. We balanced each other out in a way I have yet to see duplicated in my life with anyone else. If you would have asked me then if I believed in a soul mate I would have answered yes. Ask me that today and I'm not sure what my answer would be. All I know is the more he became a man the more I became a woman. Sound idyllic? Sorry, that's just the way it was. But with any situation such as this there came a time when decisions and choices had to be made. He chose to come to me. However, while packing to do this his then 16 year old son made a very viable threat to his father. He stayed where he needed to be and I spent a very long time healing.
Let me stop here for a moment and clear the air. I have never been proud of finding myself in a situation like this. I didn't look for it and I didn't ask for it. It happened and it surprised both of us. Neither one of us was prepared for what took place between us. But I know that a piece of paper does not a marriage make. You can be faithful in actions and unfaithful in mind and heart. He was a dutiful husband, father and son. He fulfilled his obligations. In this he was most admirable. He remained thus for a total of 44 years. His wife passed away this past June. Hence the phone call.
We met for coffee one evening and dinner another. I pray to God I never see him again. Sound cruel? Not really. Twenty-five years ago a man walked into my life. Sitting before me was a shell of that man. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. We had, obviously, both aged. But life has not been good to him. He looked old and drawn. Tired and beaten. His eyes, once so filled with laughter, was dull and almost lifeless. It broke my heart to see him like this. He walked with a slight limp because of knee problems and it seemed only an outward expression of what he was like on the inside. How could this have happened? I almost resented the fact that he contacted me. That I had to sit and look at the brokeness I was seeing before me. His sixteen year old son who so valiantly (or defiantly) stood before his father is now married, living in a new home, speaks to his father by phone and occassionally comes to see him or he to see his son. He has no life, no hope, no dreams, no aspirations. I've never seen such emptiness in bodily form.
I knew what was happening from the first phone call. I know it even moreso now. For the past twenty-five years he's been living in the past. It's what has held him together. I, on the other hand, have had to make a life for myself in the here and now. I can't and couldn't afford to live in a "what if" existence. What we had was good and true and, yes, even beautiful. But that was then and this is now. I've come to learn there are times when you can't go back. No matter how hard you try you cannot recapture what was. Time does takes its toll. I no longer have the strength to fight through a relationship. Let alone fight through the past to get to the future of one. I'm tired. I'm drained. I'm spent. He wanted to know why I wasn't married. Why someone like me with so much to give wasn't with someone. I did all I could not to laugh. That was the question I've been asking myself for years. He hasn't a clue to the number of times I've given my heart and emotions to others. Not just men but to situations that life has presented to me. What right did he have to try and walk back into my life after twenty-five years and think I could save him. Isn't that what he was really thinking? Now that his wife is gone that we could somehow start over? No! I can't and won't go back. There is no now that hasn't been birthed in a past. I'm not the same as I was then. I've grown in different ways and the path of my life has taken me on journeys with lots of twists and turns. And some day my path may still lead into a relationship full of love and passion in every area of life. I have enough left to give to that special someone. To nurture and care for them as I did for him. What I have left is not for him. What is done is done.
So how do I end something like this? I don't think there is an ending. But I can say this. While writing I've felt a lightness. I know that forgiveness came a long time ago. Now, however, I can forgive the situation. The dirge of the past can play its last chord and the musicians of the future can take center stage. A new act of my life is ready to begin. This is not.......
THE END
You see, I'm one of those few people who believe that words are real. Words have a life of their own. To me they live, they breathe, they have power untold and untapped. Words can bring life or death. They will build up or tear down. They are a force that once spoken cannot be taken back. We may try to alter the meaning of them by explanation. But in the end what is said is said. That's as black and white, as absolute, as one can get in this world.
So, that being said I invite you to come with me as I attempt to purge myself of the past. To finally lay to rest what was, what never became and what never will be. And who knows. Maybe even some absolution.
Several days ago my phone rang at what I thought was an unusual time. Picking it up I heard a voice I couldn't recognize and thought I had been caught by the infamous telemarketer. The voice sounded unsure of itself and uncertain if it was speaking to the right person. I was just about ready to hang up when I finally asked who it was and who where they trying to reach. When the name was given I was left speachless. Here was a voice from my past. Twenty-five years of past at that. Here was a man I had dated for all of seven months. Here was the man I had an affair with. And, yes, he was married.
When we first met he was nervous and unsure of himself. He seemed to always be apologizing. But as time passed and we grew closer he relaxed and became more sure of who he was. He was affectionate and caring. With him I felt safe and protected. We were alike enough to be different and yet different enough to be alike. We balanced each other out in a way I have yet to see duplicated in my life with anyone else. If you would have asked me then if I believed in a soul mate I would have answered yes. Ask me that today and I'm not sure what my answer would be. All I know is the more he became a man the more I became a woman. Sound idyllic? Sorry, that's just the way it was. But with any situation such as this there came a time when decisions and choices had to be made. He chose to come to me. However, while packing to do this his then 16 year old son made a very viable threat to his father. He stayed where he needed to be and I spent a very long time healing.
Let me stop here for a moment and clear the air. I have never been proud of finding myself in a situation like this. I didn't look for it and I didn't ask for it. It happened and it surprised both of us. Neither one of us was prepared for what took place between us. But I know that a piece of paper does not a marriage make. You can be faithful in actions and unfaithful in mind and heart. He was a dutiful husband, father and son. He fulfilled his obligations. In this he was most admirable. He remained thus for a total of 44 years. His wife passed away this past June. Hence the phone call.
We met for coffee one evening and dinner another. I pray to God I never see him again. Sound cruel? Not really. Twenty-five years ago a man walked into my life. Sitting before me was a shell of that man. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. We had, obviously, both aged. But life has not been good to him. He looked old and drawn. Tired and beaten. His eyes, once so filled with laughter, was dull and almost lifeless. It broke my heart to see him like this. He walked with a slight limp because of knee problems and it seemed only an outward expression of what he was like on the inside. How could this have happened? I almost resented the fact that he contacted me. That I had to sit and look at the brokeness I was seeing before me. His sixteen year old son who so valiantly (or defiantly) stood before his father is now married, living in a new home, speaks to his father by phone and occassionally comes to see him or he to see his son. He has no life, no hope, no dreams, no aspirations. I've never seen such emptiness in bodily form.
I knew what was happening from the first phone call. I know it even moreso now. For the past twenty-five years he's been living in the past. It's what has held him together. I, on the other hand, have had to make a life for myself in the here and now. I can't and couldn't afford to live in a "what if" existence. What we had was good and true and, yes, even beautiful. But that was then and this is now. I've come to learn there are times when you can't go back. No matter how hard you try you cannot recapture what was. Time does takes its toll. I no longer have the strength to fight through a relationship. Let alone fight through the past to get to the future of one. I'm tired. I'm drained. I'm spent. He wanted to know why I wasn't married. Why someone like me with so much to give wasn't with someone. I did all I could not to laugh. That was the question I've been asking myself for years. He hasn't a clue to the number of times I've given my heart and emotions to others. Not just men but to situations that life has presented to me. What right did he have to try and walk back into my life after twenty-five years and think I could save him. Isn't that what he was really thinking? Now that his wife is gone that we could somehow start over? No! I can't and won't go back. There is no now that hasn't been birthed in a past. I'm not the same as I was then. I've grown in different ways and the path of my life has taken me on journeys with lots of twists and turns. And some day my path may still lead into a relationship full of love and passion in every area of life. I have enough left to give to that special someone. To nurture and care for them as I did for him. What I have left is not for him. What is done is done.
So how do I end something like this? I don't think there is an ending. But I can say this. While writing I've felt a lightness. I know that forgiveness came a long time ago. Now, however, I can forgive the situation. The dirge of the past can play its last chord and the musicians of the future can take center stage. A new act of my life is ready to begin. This is not.......
THE END
posted by Gammys Perspective at 9:50 AM
4 comments
